Feel

Do you know how it's like to feel too much? Have you ever felt so much you thought you're going to explode? You practically crawl out of your skin because all the emotions are so overwhelming -- too overwhelming -- that you don't know what to do with yourself anymore? To feel pain ripping through your chest like it was nothing but a piece of flimsy paper?

I do. Every. Fucking. Day.

I feel too much. I'm not talking about empathy. I'm talking about pure, unadulterated emotions coursing through your entire body your chest feels too tight; your skin stretched too thin. You want to scream, hurl, laugh, cry, puke, pass out...anything. Just fucking anything to stop wave after wave after wave of emotion from washing over you like the surf breaking on rocks.

Have you ever cried so hard you actually ended up short of breath? Sobs so heart and gut-wrenching that whoever overhears the sounds that you make will think that some kind of animal is hurt. But then again, you realize, that may just be you. An animal terribly hurt it can't even lick it's wounds.

I have. Animalistic howls that I scare even myself.

Sometimes I wish I was numb. Sometimes I wish I could not feel a single damn thing. Sometimes I think my life would be so much better if I didn't feel too much. But I do. God decided to bestow this gift -- curse -- to me, the purposes of which still eludes me until now. I can't say I'm grateful for it because it weighs my heart down so heavily, I'd do anything to end it. I tried before, but it only caused the pain to bloom bigger and brighter than before.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep just so you won't sleep at all?

I have.

And it's been happening too often for it to be a pretty sight.

--- Written January 12, 2011

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