Essay #2: Stitches In Time

I’m afraid of the improbable and the impossible; of wounding hearts and hands.

It’s like shooting at a glass moon and watching it shatter to a million pieces only to be plagued by the duty of having to pick up the pieces and putting it back together.  It’s a never-ending vicious cycle and things are never the same again.  The cracks and holes will always be there for the whole world to feast on – broken and torn.  Once that’s done, you sink deeper and deeper.  It’s cigarette depression – to quote a phrase from a book I have never read.  It just fills you up and decays you from inside out – rotting, fouling up.

Failure had always been me.  An ever constant presence that eats at my insides.  Success is but an elusive dream that never comes but is always gone.

I feel like I’m on the wrong side of a gun.  Cocked, locked and loaded and pressed against the temple of my head filled with useless thoughts of death and uncalled for redemption.  To use the cliché, I’m caught between a rock and a hard place, and I just can’t seem to budge out of it.


I don’t want to sound profound anymore than I’m already trying to be – although I highly doubt that I do – but it seems to be the only way for me to get out of this crutch that’s been holding me down for so long.  It’s starting to kill me slowly and painfully that I have no other choice but to welcome it with open arms.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Short Story: Walking Side-By-Side With A Chainlink Fence -- Re-edited and Re-posted (also posted on Wattpad under phoenix_vixen)

Ryan was on his way home from school.   He was following the chain link fence that ran from the elementary school yard beside his high school to the edge of the street where he needed to turn left and follow, still, the same chain link fence as it ran to the edge of the block where the youth center’s baseball diamond could be found side by side with a small, privately owned animal shelter. He walked silently, casting small, furtive glances at each changing sight through the fence.   He watched as kids played in the yard while they waited for their school buses or parents or whoever the hell was picking them up from school.   Ryan turned the corner and slowed his pace even more, just enjoying the everyday sights that he saw every time he followed the same path.   He touched the tender spot on his stomach and winced.   He really did not want to go home yet, but he knew he had to.   He would just get it worse if he didn’t, so he trudged on.   He passed by the baseball diamond an
Read more

Muddle is not puddle with an M

Recently, my brain's been a muddled mixture of "what if's" "maybe if" "should I" "I really shouldn't" and "fuck that's" and it's been a dizzying emotional rollercoaster that gets quite exhausting after a while.  As a fan of the "It gets better" motto, this shouldn't really bother me that much, but surprisingly, it does.  To say that I'm confused would be the understatement of the year.  Lost is more appropriate, I think. Whether it's with work or life, I just feel lost.  Not empty, mind you.  Just really freaking lost.  I miss those days when I'd just got to Starbucks and people-watch while I sip my frappucino, chain-smoke, and type a blog entry furiously on my phone so I can immediately post something when I get home. And this blog entry just made me realize that maybe I should do that today...well, tomorrow, maybe, not today.  Definitely before I go back to work on Thursday.  It might
Read more

I used to be an avid blogger until...

Well, until nothing really. I used to blog avidly until living life as an adult with too many responsibilities on her plate took over my life. I barely write anymore. Even the fiction stuff I'm writing had to take a backseat. And I hate myself for it. My blogspot account is still active, but I have deleted my old music-themed blog from there. I lost all interest in blogging, but now, I feel like I want to do so again, if only to get my groove back when it comes to writing. I'm a very talented writer, and this is not just me being all "mayabang" or anything. I have a way with words. Now, the question is...would you read what I write? I don't want to use my LiveJournal account for it because that is a completely different avenue of thought all together, but I'm thinking of reviving my blogspot. Maybe I should try blogging again...whether or not I have readership, maybe I should. Won't lose anything if I try, right? And I do have another tab open and lo
Read more